The Grinch smiled meanly, a shadowy sneaker. He lived to destroy those that were weaker. In his filthy cave the Christmas presents of Whoville sat. And soon, they will be moved away to a bank in the Caymans. In the sand I’ll play!
Rubbing his hands, he said to the snow: “What fools, what rot. Look at all that I’ve got. Hoos? Pshaw. Look at all that I know.” His dog, wearing reindeer horns whined in his snout. The Grinch, with manly firmness, slapped him. “Now go on and pout!”
The Grinch looked over the horizon, seeing another figure on a distant peak. “What’s this now? Another Hoo sneak?”
Grabbing his Grinchoculars, he spied a spy. “Why I see it with my own eye! An imposter, a faux Grinch. Look at his red fur, a proxy Hoo communist!”
Why this wouldn’t do at all. And then the Grinch got an idea. A wonderful, awful idea. “I’ll steal his Christmas too! Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he see? The Free Market is the only way to be free!” Giving a Grinchy sniff, the Grinch left his cliff.
The distant Grinch wasn’t a Grinch at all. He was a Grunch. One thing you must know about Grunches is that they travel in Bunches. They were pioneers. They lived in this cave for 100 long years, hating the Hoos for all of their feasts. How dare they tax the Roast Beast?
The Grunches weren’t happy, they weren’t happy at all. They had planned to steal Christmas after all. Looking through their Grunchoculars, they spied that foul Grinch. “Why he’s green! And he’s mean! But he won’t play ball. That won’t do, that won’t do at all.” The Grunches looked at each other with a sour Grunchy smirk. “We’ve got a perfect plan to stop that old Jerk!”
A sad little Grunchlet watched on in dismay. He tried to write down the speech but it was batted away. “Don’t vex us with your notes and statistics!” Sad and alone, the Grunchlet was speechless.
The Grinch and the Grunches descended on Whoville, mics in their fistes. They were all determined to steal the next Christmas. Whos looked around, confused by the fray. “That is the Grinch way! They are crooks and liars who will steal the logs from your fires! Why in fact, he just stole it last night!” The Grinch in turn, soapbox underfoot, bellowed “The Grunches steal in bunches! They are crooks and liars and will steal your galoots! They will force gay Who marriage and sodomy to boot!”
Confused and afraid, the Whos hid their heads. Little Whos crawled under their Who-Beds. A few Whos stood up and declared: “I am for the Grinch, the Grunches aren’t fair!” Another Who pushed him away and shouted into the air, “I’m for the Grunch. I like him a bunch!”
Soon the Whos were brawling, slinging mud and muck. Some of it missed but some of it stuck. “The Grinch is a tyrant! He steals all the toys!” “The Grunches are perverts, they like little boys!”
Reasonable Whos looked on, stomachs sour and sick. What was this terrible trick? It’s called democracy you little prick!
“An election! That was the way! The Who way, the best way in the world wide Who-Earth. To hell with the rest, it’s time for a Who-Rebirth! We’ll teach them. They’ll see. We’ll build the best Navy on the Who-Sea.”
“Build a wall around Whoville!” The Grinch said on a stand. “We don’t need foreigners in our Whoville land!” The Grunches on street corners sat, screaming: “How about that? We don’t need a wall. We’ll kick them out them all!”
At churches and pulpits the candidates raved. “I was by Who-Jesus saved!” “It’s a trick! They declared war on Saint Nick!” Whos looked at each other, ballots in hand. “We have to save this land. We’ll vote, let each Who take a stand.”
Still the Grinch and the Grunches fought in their bunches. “Give the Whos AKs! Don’t let the Grinch take them away!” The Grinch replied, “I cook roast beast on the barrel. Come to my feast.”
They pulled out their sacks and tossed guns to the crowd. “This is the only way to be free. Protect the Who family tree and be proud!” Guns in hand the Whos puffed out their chests. “I like the feel of this mandatory bullet-proof vest!”
The Grinch had a thought. He pulled out a Grinch pen and drew his creation. A Phefferfen, lurking in a dark den. On his soapbox, the Grinch decried the Grunches and their Phefferfen friends. The Grunches, unaware of the Fens, retreated to their dens. But they weren’t done.
They weren’t done at all. In their dens they drew their own drawings. They named them Crawlies. “The Crawlies are the true monsters! Our children they’ll maul! They’ll take your Who jobs! Soon the Crawlies will arrive in their mobs! They hate Who-Jesus. They hate us all!”
The Grinch, rich with Who-Toys, went on TV. “They are just jealous of me. Their campaign is run by special interests from across the sea. But with manly firmness temptation I resisted. I’m rich and better than you. I know what is best for the average Who.”
The Grinch and the Grunches fought and they scraped. Ballots were cast, votes went away. In the streets the Whos brawled and brawled, while the candidates raved. Corpses were voting. Little Whos too. Voting rules are for fools! We’re defending Whos!
At the end of the day, the Grinch led the way. The Grunches slinked back to their lair, unsure of the whole affair. Who was this Grinch, and will he stay? “We won’t give up, Christmas will be ours. Once we slay the Grinch, we’ll be the real stars!”
The Grinch smirked and spoke in the mic. “What a huge turnout, the Whos have spoken. The Grunches are done, their toys are all broken. Stick with me, and we’ll take the whole pot. Whoever disagrees will be shot!”
The Grinch made his dog load his sleigh, and with Who Christmas he went far away. In the next valley over there was another Who village. The next target to pillage! The Whos, once peaceful and kind, looked at each other and cried.