Today we are interviewing Republican firebrand Ted Cruz, the senator from Canada that recently announced he was running for president in 2016. Our ace reporter sat down with Cruz to answer the tough questions mainstream media is afraid to ask.
Good morning Senator. Last week you announced your campaign. In your speech you spoke of your plans for the presidency. I must ask, did you mean to say president?
Of course. It is time for change in Washington. Change you can believe in.
As we say in Texas, yes.
You have to be fucking kidding.
Is that a question?
What is your view of the new Common Core state standards?
Common core was cooked up by a bunch of lazy teachers that wanted to make their job easier. Everybody knows that teachers tend to be liberal, ergo they are not real Americans. Union gangsters that want to make it ever easier to brainwash students into their liberal agenda. All teachers are traitors unless they agree with me. First thing I would do would be to smash the corrupt teachers unions.
Weren’t unions one of the first targets of the Nazi party?
Look, I don’t have time to mince words here. The Republican Party wants to dismantle the public education system and give it back to the churches where it belongs. Unions? Gone. Liberals? Gone. Anything that questions the greatness of America? Gone. Problem solved. Everybody knows teachers hate this country, and their attempts to improve the educational system through reform are clearly a threat to liberty. Public schools teach children that they must have mandatory abortions for Obama while worshiping Satan and wiping their backsides with the Ol’ Stars and Stripes.
That sounds painful.
Go ask our public school students.
How would you reform education in this country?
Back to basics. Give teachers a copy of the Constitution and the Bible.
Let’s discuss your plans for the country. What would be your number one priority?
… You don’t see a problem with that? Wouldn’t impeaching the previous President be unconstitutional? And impossible?
Not if you understand the glory of American government like I do. First impeachment, then we invade Cuba.
Why invade Cuba?
You claim to want to curb government spending. Wouldn’t foreign wars cost lots of taxpayer dollars?
Look over there! It’s Obamacare!
What about Iran?
I said it once and I’ll say it again. Iran is full of Muslims, nukes and I assume communists. Plus, they don’t like country music. Disliking country music is a crime against God. Plus they hate freedom and support gay marriage.
I don’t think that is true.
No it’s true all right. Don’t slap a chicken and tell me it’s Tuesday.
Why are you so opposed to same-sex marriage?
Let me educate y’all. Everybody knows that when gay people get married, abortion rates skyrocket. It’s simple math. Despite all your liberal Berkeleys and Harvards, liberals simply don’t understand math.
That doesn’t seem like a valid mathematical conjecture. What study did you base your last claim on?
Look you liberal elitist scum, I don’t have to explain where my studies come from. It’s common knowledge.
Moving on….you also said that climate change is not really happening. Care to comment?
Liberal gay scientists giving abortions slapped together some fuzzy math and came up with some reports to get funding for their welfare science. That’s all. Don’t put a lizard in a bucket of paint and tell me it’s Crayola outside. I see right through your agenda. Typical mainstream media, ignoring science to promote their political goals.
You don’t think pollution is a problem?
Sure if you are a communist. Smog is the sweet smell of liberty and free-market economics. I get some shipped in from Beijing every day and take a whiff just to remind myself of the glory that used to be America.
Don’t most scientists believe that global warming is a real phenomenon that is caused by human activity?
That’s not what my speechwriters said.
So, are you eligible to be President? You were born in Canada.
As soon as I am elected we will have to clarify what “natural born citizen” means regarding the Presidency. The Supreme Court will have to decide.
Recently you accused the Supreme Court of “judicial activism” regarding the gay marriage debate. Wouldn’t changing hundred of years of precedent regarding qualifications for president be judicial activism?
Is that hypocrisy?
I can be as hypocritical as I want. I’m a Republican.
Let’s talk government shutdown. Many people say you played a key role in shutting the government down in 2013. Was that the best decision?
I stand for liberty against fascist liberals and communists. I will destroy Obamacare if it is the last thing the United States does.
You don’t care that it caused chaos for the nation?
Was it appropriate to read erotica during your filibuster?
Free speech is a fundamental right in this country, especially in times.of national crisis. The first thing the Nazis did was pass Obamacare and ban erotic Gilligan’s Island fan fiction. You’ll have to pry that erotica from my cold, dead hands.
During you filibuster you talked about how you regretted not wearing your “argument boots.” Can you clarify that comment?
My argument boots are 100% American. I strap them on when I am preparing to slay communists and lay waste to common sense. In fact they are so American they are made in China.
You tweeted once that you were glad to be back in “America” when you got home to Texas. Where is the “real America?”
Red America. Republican America where the patriots live and don’t pay taxes. The America where we have the freedom to die without health insurance, and to shoot each other with abandon. States with low taxes and horrific schools. Where people understand things about this country, about immigration, about military service.
Is California the “real America?”
Hell no. Not one single real American lives in California.
Wasn’t Reagan from California?
Isn’t California the most populous state?
I fail to see your point. That is not America with all its immigrants and crazy customs and latte sippin’ liberals. Hollywood? Please.
Isn’t Hollywood a great example of the power of American capitalism?
Their profit margins don’t count because they aren’t part of the real America.
Even though roughly 66 million people live in California, Massachusetts and New York, they don’t count as real Americans?
Never. I would have them deported.
Even though California has more people than twenty other states combined, it is not “real America?”
Was is Obama like Hilter?
They were both black, they both wanted universal health care and they were both Muslim.
Any closing remarks Senator?
This interview was a complete joke. You did not mention how charming I am, or gush about my kids. You didn’t even mention me reading Dr. Seuss during my filibuster. My campaign manager told me that would play big in the real America. Make sure you mention my heroic struggles against the Nazis, my fist fight with the Ayatollah, my enrollment in Obamacare and my devilish good looks. Throw in some stuff about Jesus too. Elect me so I can guarantee war with Iran. Quote me on this: I want your sons and daughters to go die in the desert to support my political agenda. Make sure the American people know that if they disagree with me I hate them and that their views are juvenile. Tell everybody I love the parts of the country that support me, but hate most of it. I’m an anti-immigration immigrant. I dislike science, the West Coast, the East Coast, certain parts of the Midwest, a few sections of the south and probably Puero Rico. I don’t listen to rock and roll since 9/11.
Obamacare is going to force your children to have sex changes.
Rock and roll is the soundtrack of terrorism. Umm…. oh yeah, atheists will be sent to death camps.
Cost-effective totalitarianism. Ted Cruz for President!